Human Connection vs. Self Destruction; Los Angeles, CA
January 14, 2022
Just walked out of "The Wrestler", the Aronofsky character study starring Mickey Rourke (for which he won the best actor Golden Globe, incidentally), and I can't help but have my mind tied up by the two main themes of the film; isolation and self-destructiveness.
The film depicts Rourke's character as full of profound sadness, clinging to a life that is slowly slipping away from him due to age and self inflicted physical abuse. I can't help but think about those that I know personally who live the same life, the same life in the sense that they just can't seem to figure out how to stop self-destructing, pushing those away from them who they should be pulling closer. Hell, I can't help but see the ways that I do the same things to those around me, and believe me, at times I've gotten pretty good at it, as I'm sure many of us have. Haha... 
Of course the truth is we all do so many of the same things. Just a part of that wonderful thing we lovingly, or hatefully (?), call the 'human condition', whatever that is.
It seems that within each of us (and when I say each of us I mean myself specifically as I write here) have two opposite tendencies. One is to shield ourselves from the world with love and people whom we love, covering ourselves with that which we are supposed to, or at least that which we are always told that we are supposed to; friends, family, and emotional meaning. What happens though when the other tendency takes over? That other tendency that every one of us has within ourselves. That tendency that makes us want to run free and without connections, even sometimes sabotaging our own lives in a effort to achieve those ideals. Some of us can't tame that impulse, and with that inability seems to come a certain doom at the end of life, or at least in later years. It certainly did for Rourke's character. He was in his own words, "a broken down piece of meat", as he neared the end of his life, with no one to love or to love him. He had alienated everyone around him who could have possibly held that kind of relationship for him in his life. Is this what awaits those of us who choose to not participate in the "normal" life that we see on television and movies? Obviously a normal life in 2009 is not what it was in 1959, but still, there are certain parameters that most of us would agree on, I would think.
Perhaps as we grow old we do truly only want one thing; love.
I think most of us gravitate towards one or the other; we either want as much human connection as possible, or that connection is difficult and painful at times, seemingly impossible. We either find enough solace and warmth in building a family, or being part of one already, that it's difficult to imagine life without one.  Or we engage in brutally destructive behaviors that will ensure our own isolation, pushing those that love us away. Me? Well, I tend to live in a dichotic manner, as well as very extremely. Sounds super healthy, right? I either do nothing but spend time with those around me and attempt to build those relationships and bonds, or I choose to travel for months on end alone, driving across the USA wandering through my own thoughts and my own mind. I think that somehow I have both of the tendencies that I write about, only in equal amounts. What does that mean? Haha, still trying to figure that one out...but it definitely makes for a very interesting ride.
It seems that whenever I get too close to one of those ideals from above I immediately sense it somewhere and then pull away, in a constant tug-of-war of cosmic proportions. If I get too close to ideal constant human connection then I seek some isolation, and vice versa. See? Totally a cosmic tug-of-war. Well, it seems cosmic to me and my mind anyway. Ha.
Sooo, how do we close here? Hmmm, not really sure. It is truly heartbreaking to witness someone who desperately wants to love and wants connection and can't seem to pull their shit together for long enough to achieve it. That I have seen many times, in many different people, and it truly is a wrenching thing to witness, akin to an animal being injured and trying sadly to walk while it's limbs just won't seem to work. The worst thing about people like that is that they destroy themselves, but they also destroy others around them that try to care for them and love them. Poker TV 
Man, talk about the classic Seebs late-night rambling! Wow, I outdo myself sometimes with the random thoughts!
For some reason I am struck by two separate quotes after thinking about these themes and attempting to write a little about them. I'll leave them her for you to chew on a bit...
"Who's to say what's right? You love too much. I love too little. The fact of the matter is that neither of them work. Neither work.  Not really, anyway"
"Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends.
It was those who loved him most who died young. he was a rock they broke themselves against however much he tried to protect them"


great news RT @ESPN California Golden Bears to keep baseball thanks to fundraising effort -

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