It’s difficult to gather words together. They need thoughts and emotions and right now it is an obstacle to think or feel anything positive. This will take a while on my part but I will try regardless.

Chemo is tougher than I had imagined. People warned that it would be, that there could be days when I would wish for death over this. Fortunately it has not come to that, but there are days hidden under the sheets hoping to drift into unconsciousness. Anything to avoid feeling.

There are good days too, about two weeks into each 3-week cycle as the effects of the drugs begin to fade there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I begin to feel like myself again, but it’s only temporary. The cycle restarts and I become a fraction of my former self.

A couple weeks after starting I spent a morning in the bathroom pulling out hair. It was enough to make a man’s wig. That night some of the people closest to me shaved it all off. It was hard to look in the mirror and realize that I had a pointy head. Just kidding. It was weird and stubbly but I’m rocking it.

There’s good news and bad. The good is that the cancer hasn’t spread beyond my leg. A recent MRI shows that it’s also hasn’t grown since starting chemo. The bad news is that it also hasn’t shrunken, which is important for surgery. Saving my leg will have to involve other treatment options.

For now things are still unpredictable and the unease hangs like a wet coat on my shoulders. I want to know what to expect to better start dealing. But right now it’s not about knowing the end point or even what the next month will bring. It’s about just accepting things as they are and staying determined that one day things will get better.

It sucks to carry days with more darkness, weakness and fatigue. But it’s comforting to know that there are people who are sticking by me. To have caring people who will see you through the low points and not merely ride with you through the highs, this must be a key to happiness.